Every sane person in the world knows these things are hideous. I'm not forging any new trails by agreeing. I do, however, have some insight to offer as to why these are the most aesthetically awful boots ever made. I will henceforth dissect the anatomy of an UGG boot through a measurement system I have been developing for years. I call it the (patent-pending) "Scale of Whoredom." If you've owned or worn any pair of these boots, you should probably be in line at your local Planned Parenthood right now waiting to get tested.
These boots are designed with a small amount of whoredom in mind. Friday and Saturday nights mostly. The pathetically uncreative styling of this boot was specifically designed by UGG to match a pair of black spandex, a North Face fleece jacket and a shirt with some Greek symbols on it. UGG originally intended to call these boots "Open for Business," but they eventually settled for the less egregious name, "Sorority Slut."
Tier 2: System Failure
Taking into account the fur length alone, you already know this girl takes off her clothes for money. It's the only thing to distract you from the fake tits. This is the kind of girl that wears super low cut shirts for attention and ironically yells at guys for staring. The bright white color of the fur designates that her workplace doesn't stop at topless and the overwhelming frizziness dictates that a trip to the champagne room is probably less than $20.Tier 3: Nuclear Meltdown
The amount of fur on this boot actually has a utilitarian purpose. There is just enough room in the cluster of sheep hair to hide a knife, so that you can stab the truck driver and break the window to safely escape the cab. The other boot stows a cell phone. That way you can call the police and inform them which truck stop parking lot you work at so they can come break up the less-than-domestic disturbance. And haul you off to jail for prostitution.I should say that girls shouldn't be wearing boots from this company for obvious reasons. They are some hideous looking shoes. However, in a way they are doing the world a service. If you have recently been with a girl that wears anything off of the list above, save the trip to the doctors office; you have chlamydia.
DISCLAIMER: The views expressed in this article are the author's own and do not reflect RVA Magazine editorial policy (that goes double for this particular article). Additionally, they are presented for humorous purposes, so don't take this shit too seriously.